Failure to Launch

Once upon a time there was a happy little blog*. This happy little blog had spent most of its Life as a figment of its blogger’s imagination, waiting to spring into being as the most SPECTACULAR, AMAZING, EXHILARATING BLOG ON THE INTERNET!!!

(This blog had really great self-confidence. It spent a lot of its downtime watching Oprah and Dr. Phil and perusing the Self-Help section of its local bookstore.)

One Tuesday, no different from any other, the little blog awoke, ready to roll out of its comfy little blog bed, do some yoga and center its chi before making a nutritious and delicious protein smoothie. Only this morning, its feet didn’t touch the floor. The little blog looked around, mouth forming a soft, round O.

The little blog had woken up on the INTERNET! The world was suddenly loud and overwhelming and the little blog saw it had already smudged its blue-striped pajamas. It was becoming dizzy. All sorts of other blogs and news sites, chat rooms and e-mails…and wait, was that a can of SPAM?...whizzed by, shoving the little blog out of the way. They were all much bigger, much faster, and much brighter.

Suddenly the little blog didn’t feel like the most SPECTACULAR, AMAZING, EXHILARATING BLOG ON THE INTERNET!!! As a matter of fact, it was like it didn't even exist!

Carefully picking its way through the traffic (and almost being flattened by a Triple Letter, Triple Word play on the word ‘QUIZ’) it made its way into the shadow of an old building. It picked a piece of gum off the bottom of its foot. It looked hesitantly again at all of the commotion and then started to cry.

Suddenly, the little blog heard a voice in its head, “What’s wrong, little blog?”

“What IS this? This isn’t SPECTACULAR or AMAZING or EXHILARATING! Actually, I hate this! Why doesn’t anyone pay attention to me?”

The voice in the little blog’s head belonged to its blogger. “Oh! Well, that’s because you need a name, little blog!”

“Then they’ll pay attention to me?”

“Mhmm.”

“Let’s do this!” (Dr. Phil talked a lot about dispelling fear through taking action. The little blog was feeling more like itself already.)

“Ok…one second…hmm…nope…ugh…really? Harumph.”

“Everything ok?”

“Well, in order to be the most SPECTACULAR, AMAZING, EXHILARATING BLOG ON THE INTERNET you need a pretty SPECTACULAR, AMAZING, EXHILARATING NAME, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes.”

“Well, unfortunately all of the soulfully profound names I was thinking of for you are taken.” The blogger heard her little blog sigh in despair. “Wait! I know I’ll try…nope. Darn.”

The blogger continued plugging in blog names, determined to find her little blog a jaw-dropping, eye-popping, life-changing yet catchy name that would draw in all passers-by.  Six hours later, the blogger’s chin resting in her hand, she said, defeated, “That’s it, I’m naming you Smackaroni and Cheez…or Candy Corn Fussypants…or…or…Octopus Popcorn.”

The little blog does an EXCELLENT eye-roll, by the way. It, at this point, had pulled together a nice little cardboard box to sleep in and was eyeing a larger refrigerator box not too far away that might make an excellent three-season room.

“Wait a minute. No, really, wait just one minute!” yelled the blogger. “That’s IT! That’s the whole point! That’s JUST the kind of name that will make you the most SPECTACULAR, AMAZING, EXHILARATING BLOG ON THE INTERNET!”

The little blog continued to look unimpressed. “Huh? Those are just random words you put together.”

“Exactly! Isn’t that what Life is about, little blog? The random moments strung together? The things that make us laugh and cry and throw up in our mouths a little bit, when you look at them collectively, they make up a SPECTACULAR, AMAZING, EXHILARATING LIFETIME!”

The little blog was skeptical, but thoughtful. Its blogger looked like she could use a shampoo and a stiff drink, but she did have a point…kind of.

“I have all of these pieces of my Life. All these people in my Life. All these thoughts and experiences in my Life. They’re all so random but they are all a part of ME. And isn’t sharing ME with the world what you’re all about, little blog?”

Something funny was happening to the little blog. It suddenly wasn’t feeling so small and insignificant. It was standing a little taller. Its dirty, striped pajamas were gone. It had a new, shiny name tag. It looked up to find the world had slowed down a bit. The blogger watched proudly. Her little blog took a tentative step away from the building. Traffic slowed even more and as the little blog shimmied in between a social media site and a discount shoe site, the blogger heard:

“Hi. I’m Octopus Popcorn.”


*Not to be confused with Bob Ross’ happy little trees. That man was a GENIUS with a fan brush.